The Great Gatsby: As Critiqued by a Perpetually Angry Hopeless Romantic

Warning: This sort of contains some spoliers, so if you don't want to know then don't read!

So….. I watched The Great Gatsby with my boy, and I have to say I loved to movie. Then, I read a review on it, and it was just so ugly and mean. Obviously, everyone is entitled to their opinion, and I am no movie expert. So, if you hated the movie don’t read this shit, because I’ll be gushing about it. After all, it’s my opinion!

Now, before we get started, let me just say I have actually read the book. It was way back when in my high school years, and I also watched the Robert Redford movie. I don’t really remember any of that shit, but I just remembered I loved the book, and I was completely stoked for the movie to come out. Oh my gosh, did my heart flutter when I saw the first preview!

This is the book cover. One day I will reread this, but not right now since the paperback is $15. Highway robbery.

It doesn’t help that Mr. Dicaprio is in it, and I love the roles he plays. In my opinion he is a good actor, and not just because he is good looking. Most actors/esses are good looking, so we can just take that factor right off the table. However, I will admit the Leo is like a fine wine, he gets better with age. Hah! I’m not quite sure why I like him so much, probably because someone put together a list of why I should like him. I’m a mindless little ewe.

Panty dropper

Anyway, it took me a while to actually see this movie, but that’s mostly because I’m lazy and I’m never good at getting around to stuff like that. Plus, I hate sitting elbow to elbow during midnight premiers, that and the fact that you can never seem to sit next to all your friends, and the ass-hat next to you won’t scoot over for some stupid reason. That chair is perfectly fine, Dill Hole, now scoot! My boyfriend and I are also extremely cheap, but hell we’re college students and we’re on a fucking budget man! So we go to matinees during the week while regular 9 to 5er’s are a work.

You all know that guy... You know you had to deal with them.

The movie theater wasn’t deserted, but it wasn’t full, and we were able to sit in a good spot with no one around us. The movie started, and it felt kind of slow, which made me nervous. I had been waiting for so long, and if this movie was going to suck ass I was going to throw a fit.

This is the part where I try to come up with a critic without telling the story. Well, that shit was fan-fucking-tastic. I loved the party scenes at Gatsby’s. They were grand, and even more lavish and selfish then I could have ever imagined in my head. It makes sense though, since I’m a poor ass. I don’t know how to throw a fancy party. There was so much drama, and drinking, and he didn’t give a single fuck how trashed his house got. 

This leads me to the people. The people were glamorous. It makes me imagine if the super rich today are like that. Granted, if you watch any piece of shit celebrity show now a days, they are. People are selfish. This is a movie about selfish people. J Gastby is selfish for loving Daisy so much so that he can’t leave her alone. He spends his life being good enough for her, living for her, making every single fucking decision for her! This crazy borderline stalker guy just wants to hold on so bad, that it’s romantic. It is so creepily romantic……. I felt like the love was so innocent in a sense. He never got over his boyish infatuation with her. It was really sweet and compelling. Alas, we are forgetting the rest of the crew. Sweet Daisy Buchanan is a selfish shallow girl. She loves two men, and is confused. She is a fool just like she wanted her sweet little Pammy to be. She beats around the bush, and gets the ‘vapors’ too much. I kind of wanted to punch her in the throat. Tom is just flat out obviously selfish. I don’t need to explain that shit. Watch the damn movie. It’s all up in your face!

 

Myrtle is such an ugly name, but I think she's cute, even if she's a ho-ho.

The music choice was grand too. It kept you in the present with the new age stuff, but also slung you back to the past with the all too well known roaring twenties speak easy Jazz music that we all know. I loved that they played Hypnotize by Notorious B.I.G. I love that song; it makes me want to shake my ass all over the place. I have no shame. They also played Rhapsody in Blue which I love. I love love love that song, and I love Fantasia 2000, which I own specifically for that little skit thing.

Editing is something that I don’t know anything about, but I think the effects were cool. They really pulled you in, and were just as dramatic as those fucking parties. You sort of felt all drunk or wired, or whatever the hell you guys are into, right along with them. The camera angles were neat-o, and I had no trouble being sucked in.

I couldn't upload the video, so here's a picture of him instead.

 Accuracy is something I’m a stickler for, and I applaud the director, writers, and whoever the hell else for quoting the book throughout the film. It made me happy, and most of the stuff was dead on, at least for me since... you know… I haven’t read the book five or so years. Jordon’s character wasn’t as much of a snobby whore as I imagined her, but whatever you can’t win them all I suppose. Nick was how I imagined after I read The Great Gatsby Hark Vagrant comics. They are hilarious. Click me. You will not be disappointed. Read that shit. READ IT! Everyone else fit my casting call (unlike Jake Gyllenhaal in The Price of Persia).

Really? Seriously? Why... Just why?

This whole ‘critique’ has been leading up to this moment. I warn you that these next sentences contain a spoiler, as if I already haven’t given some details away, but if you don’t want to know how it ends DO NOT READ THIS PART. The death of J Gatsby was sad. It was so fucking sad, and it didn’t help that I was gearing up for it the whole entire movie. I knew how it ended, and let me just say folks, I hate sad endings. I cried. I cried like a child when their goldfish dies. I had to cover my mouth in the theater so my sobbing wouldn’t disrupt everyone else. It felt so drawn out, and it made my heart hurt. You feel for this man, who has nothing but a dream. He’s holding on so tight that it’s suffocating in his grip. I’m getting emotional just thinking about it again. I felt like I had lost a friend after that scene.

So much irony...

 "They were careless people, Tom and Daisy--they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money of their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made." - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

That little snippet at the end was probably one of the most profound moments in the entire movie. It just showed you how selfish big money is. It doesn’t care who dies, or the mindless hurt that it causes. Even after all that drama the Buchanan’s caused they just ran. They ran from it all, and they could because they had the money. It made me kind of angry. I was angry that they wouldn’t take responsibility for their actions. I was angry that J died for the love of a woman who was a fool. I was angry, because I could relate to Nick. They only cared about stuff when it empowered them, but heaven forbid they do something wrong. Somehow they managed to get away with minimal damage, and all they left is a trail of destruction in their wake.

What the fuck ever. I’m getting mad so I better conclude this hoe.

I loved the movie. We were speechless the whole car ride home, except for the occasional “That movie was so good,” from me in a sort of awestruck manner. So go watch it. It’s worth it.