A Touchy Subject

So I've already given the warning via Bekah the Blogger? about the topic this week, and I know that it might cause some backlash, but this is my blog and my opinion.

Now, with the recent events and the loss of a friend, I just figured I'd share my opinion on Suicide. I WILL NOT be talking about this person. There is no need to dig into those wounds, but this will shed a little more light on my life and the person that I am today.

So this is your last chance to turn back.....

For the few of you who know me outside of work or have grown up with me, more than likely know about my past and know that I am a victim of suicide. Now, obviously, I didn't commit it, but I lost my father as a very young child. I've had to deal with that every day of my life, and so from there I've formed my own opinions about someone taking their own life.

I'm not saying I'm not guilty of those awful thoughts, and for a long time I suffered from depression. The best part of that, is that you can't get any worse emotionally than where you are, so all progress, if any is usually positive, unless you make that fatal choice.

But, I digress....

Suicide, to me, is an extremely selfish act. People do not realize the kind of pain they inflict on those around them when they take their own lives. Often, they think that the world would be better without them, but it's worse. I have to admit, that I'm fairly calloused to the notion, and I have no tolerance for it. It's not even something that I shed tears over anymore, because it just lights a fire inside my heart. And, for those of you suffering, my heart hurts FOR YOU, but only for you, because seeing you all in pain is something that could have been prevented.

I remember being a child and having so many questions. Attending your father's funeral is not something you plan to do until you are much much older. I'm sure you all have questions too, and you feel helpless. I know I did. I didn't understand why he didn't just reach out and ask for help. It's as easy as that for some us. I am so thankful for my mother. She has really been nurturing about it, and did her best to explain these concepts to a child who had life sucker punch them.

I feel like as humans we ask ourselves why we didn't notice there was an issue before, but I can speak from experience, there are rarely signs. We all know that people go through hard times, and we understand that, but at the end of the day the majority of us would never think to go the extreme and just end it all. I think we carry some guilt with us to after these things happen. We always kick ourselves, and ask "Why didn't I answer that phone call? Was I really that busy?" or "Why didn't I check in more often? Why didn't I try harder?" Don't carry that with you. It's not your fault. You did what you could, and you should take solace in that.

I can also say that suicide is premeditated for the most part. People just don't go and off their selves all willy nilly. I know when I was going through my rough period that it was always on my mind. It was always there in the back of my head like a friendly reminder. Granted, now I just look at it as a cop out, at the time it just seemed like a backup plan. I remember I went to school with a girl who always made 'attempts' and I used to loathe her with every fiber of my being, because I'm sure it was just for the mounds of attention she'd get when she got back to school. I think I may of told her once, that if she really wanted to do it, it would be over with. Mind you, this was during my dark days, so seeing her act like a dumb ass didn't sit well with me.

I also think that this isn't something we need to be sharing on social media. I understand that you all are sad, and you are hurting. I know you want to get feelings out, and reach out to one another, but do it in real life. This is the time where we see who loves who. Not only that, but you will be dealing with the nosy fucks who don't care about you're feelings. They're just in it for the juicy gossip, and the drama of the moment. Trust me when I say you don't want to explain the situation to them, and it's none of their fucking business anyway. It is a private business. It is OUR business. Keep it safe.

Now that I've sort of vented, let me end on the small positive note that comes with death. Death brings us together. We may have holes in our hearts, but we fill them with the love and community that sprouts in the ashes that the wildfire of death brings. I love you all very much, and again it bring me to tears to see you all hurting so bad. But, know that I am here for you, just like my mother was there for me.

So keep your head up. The days will get better. They always do. If you are hurting, ask for help. Someone will always be there when you fall.