I had to go to the hospital...

So last week I ended up in the E.R.

"I love taking my girlfriend to the E.R."

I had SEVERE lower abdominal pain, and it was so bad that I couldn't actually stand up straight without being on the verge of tears. I'll go ahead and say, there isn't anything nicer than when people are willing to drop everything that they're doing to help you out. Both of my bosses offered to drive me home, or take me to my hospital of choosing which was super nice. Luckily, I was able to drive home myself, and my fiance took me from there.

When entering the E.R. it was a little awkward. I guess I was expecting like a 'House-esque' atmosphere, but everyone was super chill. Honestly, it did not feel like an Emergency Room Check-in. I would have rather had all the chaos, since I was crying hysterically.... I needed that energy.

After I got checked in they wheeled me back to a  room and I waited forever... A doctor came and saw me, tapped on my belly here and there, and more or less poked and prodded where he felt necessary. Then my nurse came in (her name was Cindy) and she was AWESOME. Never in my life have I been tended to by such a silly and sweet woman (save fore my mom). She drew some blood, and cracked some jokes. Home girl was too legit to quit!

Now comes the scary part.... Diagnosis!

• Gas
• Pregnancy
• Ovarian Cysts
• Endometriosis

Those were my four 'could be' underlying issues, and anyone who has ever had to deal with the latter two were more or less well wishing for me. Ehhh.... Everyone was well wishing in general.... Being in the hospital is not fun! Anyway, they made me drink a lot of water so that I could get an ultrasound to check my lady parts, and then of course give urine sample.

As anti-climactic as this is going to be, I got a clean bill of health! I was so happy, and the doctor couldn't figure out what my pain was coming from. He just thought it was cramping, but whatever it was it went away in my stay there.
.
Now that kind of leads me a personal thought. I am so glad that thus far my birth control consumption has not affected my reproductive system. I've been on some form of birth control since I was 14, and lately I've been thinking about being infertile since I have had virtually no pregnancy scares. So even though my trip to the E.R. was just a false alarm, there is a silver lining in the fact that there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with my hoo-hah.

I find that the simplest memes are the best memes.

  Also, I'm not pregnant! Why is it that when you are a woman of child bearing age, any time you feel under the weather everyone assumes you are with child? Can I just say that not only do I embrace my sexuality, I also take care of it. I will have kids when I am ready to have kids, and not a second sooner!

I need to find the motivation to work out

I'm not fat.

Let me start all of this off with that, because someone will get all high and mighty with me.

I know I am not fat, but that doesn't make me happy with myself. Also, there is nothing wrong with me not being happy with myself. I regard femininity as something more than stick thin models fighting over a cheese cube because they haven't eaten in a week. So before anyone shakes me, and asks if I need rehab, y'all chill....

I just want to get fit. That's all. I want to feel better about myself, but it's more than just exercise. It's about cleaner eating, and healthy lifestyle choices as well. I think I just need the right head space to get all this done, and I defiantly need to start cooking at home more.

Luckily my fiancé's grandparents own a little plot that we get organic veggies from (that are fabulous let me tell you) and we try to incorporate them into meals as often as possible. I also drink my breakfast in the morning, which I've been doing for a few months now. I really like having a protein shake, because then I'm not tempted to eat a crappy McDonald's breakfast or snack on a pastry that's calorie laden. Plus, I'm hungry for lunch and dinner at appropriate times which deters me from eating past 7 P.M.

So how am I going to remedy this jiggly-ness? I'm going to take a page from Ellen and I'm going to start dancing. I know that sounds incredibly silly, and I'm not paying for a Zumba class so that leaves the mind to wonder. What the hell am I talking about? Legitimate dance, is what. Yes, people I'm going to dance around for exercise.

I know... I know... You all are probably picking up your phones to dial MHMR to come and pick me up, because it sounds outright loony. I get it, but I was reading a blog about exercise and it said to turn it into something you enjoy. Well.... I enjoy dancing, and so I'm gonna dance the weight off dammit! I am hoping that it will become something fun for me to look forward too, plus the dogs really get a kick out of it when I'm active. They get super playful and silly. The whole house will dance! I swear it!

So, I'm going to start today. I'm thrilled, and I hope this is something that will motivate me into maybe something more strenuous, or at least help me shed a few pounds here and there.

Wish me luck!

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...

I was going to do a True Blood post, but I figured since my last blog was about Supernatural I'd leave it alone for now.

This week I was going to talk about myself is a sort of analyzed way. I don't really know if that makes sense, but I've been spending a lot of time with my thoughts, and so I was just going to write about it.

Let me just say that whole "You're your own worst enemy" is something that plagues my life on the daily, and not that it's a bad thing all the time but I am very hard on myself. I have always been, and I'm sure I will always be this way. It is ultimately who I am. I am forgiving to other's should they warrant it, but I am quick to anger and slow to forget. My maturity on any given day seems to change with the seasons. I am weird. There is no way around it.

Physically I am not happy with myself, but I've realized that this is something I need to change. It doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to start training for marathons, but  healthy exercise is something I probably should look into. I have always thought of myself as plain. Plain Jane. I refer back to it in my taste for simple foods, and in the way I dress. I don't wear makeup, which is a choice I made. All in all I wish a had a better mental state when it comes to myself. Obviously, I don't think I'm ugly so that's a plus, but I'm not the next Iman and I don't want to be. I'm just average.

But those thoughts really don't mean a whole lot by themselves. If anything, they make me look like a really insecure person with poor self-esteem. Don't get me wrong, I probably am those things to an extent, but I'm sure everyone is at one point in their life or another. It's human nature to want to be liked and loved, and so we worry about shit that's not worth fretting over. So where do my strengths lie? What gives me peace of mind, and what makes me happy? Where is my contentment if I'm just a ball of "I don't know what I'm doing with my life" turmoil?

Cooking. I love cooking. There is something so serene about cooking, and there is fulfillment in feeding others. I realized this on Monday night when I was trying out a new recipe, and somehow it managed to come out looking perfect. Most of what I make is stick-to-your-ribs, southern style comforts. It's not always pretty, but it sure is delicious! Anyway, I just stared at my dish. It was lovely. Did I do that? Did I manage to make something that looked so beautiful, but would also be satisfying to the stomach? I was in awe of the feeling that washed over me, and I thought "Wow this is for me". I don't mean it as I'm quitting school and running away to chase my culinary dreams, but I love this skill that I have. Plus, it's a good skill set. I can fend for myself, and provide meals for a family. There is no downside to love to cook.

The picture doesn't do it justice.....

The best part of cooking is the love. The love that goes into cooking is what makes things successful. I don't care who you are and what you think you know, but food that is made with love is real and it's the best! I'm sure it was what I was feeling while looking at my dish. All of the love poured into it was staring at me, and it was perfect.

I'm sure that didn't make any sense at all, but thanks for reading my ramblings....

Until next time~

I've been watching Supernatural.....

Sorry about last week. I got sick, which means I was also lazy. I just don't feel like doing much when I don't feel good, and mindless TV is good when you don't feel good.


From Jared to Misha... Too presh! Swoon city

So I started watching Supernatural, which I used to watch once upon a time with my last fiancé (who is obviously now my ex-fiancé). I have always liked the show, plus when you have Jensen Ackles eye candy you can't really complain. Yes! I am a Dean lover. It gives me the giggles, because Sam fits my 'type' (you know tall, dark, handsome, and broody) but there is something about that womanizing letch that is Dean Winchester that I can't quite put my finger on. Gotta' love a bad boy I suppose.

Well now that I got all that out of my system lets talk about how Supernatural pertains to my life, because that's what I really want to talk about! I see a lot of similarities in my friendship with my very best friend, and the relationship that Sam and Dean have. Obviously, were not out hunting demons, ghosts, or other things that go bump in the night, but the way we care about each other and the dialogue seem to parallel in a positive way.

Are you curious who is who? Like you even have to ask. She is the Dean to my Sam, of course! I feel like I identify with Sam, because most of my life has some how been on a weird road to self destruction. I mean.... Not always, but I obsess over things, and I'm INCREDIBLY dramatic about EVERYTHING. I am always questioning what people are doing, or even what the hell I'm doing.  More often than not I do weird things, and have a love for all things terribly macabre.  I'm also just awkward.... Y'all I am so awkward. Awkward dresser, conversationalist, and my body is just awkward.

My best friend is more Dean than she knows (Only cause she hasn't started watching the show yet!). From the clothing to the Zeppelin love, she is Dean through and through. The best part about this though is that she watches out for me when I'm too busy worrying about everything else. So in that sense she is the older sister I have always needed. She cares about me, and isn't afraid to be honest with me. Even though we don't live in the same city anymore, her opinion is one that I value over most other's and if I have an issue that needs a special kind of advice I always turn to her. Plus, aside from my fiancé she's been the best roommate I've ever had EVER.

I think another thing that makes our friendship work is that even though we are VASTLY DIFFERENT we still have a lot of similarities as far as likes and interests go. That, and we are more than happy to expose one another to things that we're not familiar with. What is a friend unless they push you out of your comfort zone?

I just love her a lot. I hope that our friendship will be one that stands the test of time. She is defiantly the silliest person I know, and she's very encouraging. I think that we are good for one another, and I am undoubtedly blessed to have such an amazing friend in my life!

P.S. She has a blog too, and it's hilarious. I'll share it next time she posts. :)

Women are embarrassing

You see that title ladies? I'm talk about you this week. YES YOU! It's about to get as judge-y as a toddler girl's pageant up in this blog. I am sorry it had to come to this, but you brought it on yourselves. You're a bunch of wonton divas.....

 I can already hear the panties dropping... *shudder*

You ladies remember this CONVICT? Jeremy Meeks. Recently he was arrested for the third time. I'm not sure if you read that, or if you were drooling over that jail bait so I'll reiterate it: THIRD TIME. Anyway, his mug shot went viral and basically he's know as "That hot convict guy" or at least this is how I refer to him. Of course, the meme's are a'flowing which is awesome for me, because I can get a good laugh at this guy's expense.

This one seriously gets me. I thought I was going to pee my pants.

You heffa's went wild, and I don't know how many girls on my news feed swooned over that face. (I'm sorry I'm outing you, but seriously?). 14,000+ comments on this guy's mug shot, and for what? He's attractive? Let's just brush off the eleven felony charges he has hanging over his head, or the eleven years he's already spent in prison. One woman even said that someone should get him a modeling career, and we as Americans should help him. Um no... I don't feel the need to be responsible for this douche.

Searching 'Thirsty' is hilarious.

Where is my help with college? Where is my career after I graduate? Is America going to provide that for me? Fuck no! Then why should I give this Knucklehead a chance? Just because he's hot? This is seriously laughable. Because this guy is attractive he should be allotted everything in life despite his rap sheet? I don't think so. Now, I'm not saying that because this guy is a criminal he forfeits basic rights as a citizen. I'm saying HE SHOULD NOT BE TREATED DIFFERENTLY BECAUSE YOU THINK HE LOOKS GOOD. Keep it in your fucking pants. I'm sure he'd stab you in the neck and run off with all your money in two seconds flat, and then you have no one to blame but yourself.

He's a known member of the Crips. A gang member. I'm sure he did something horrible to someone to earn that tear drop, and for a pretty face it's all okay? I just don't understand. There are guys who would lay down their lives for you, and you're spending time salivating over a man who beat up a 16 year old kid. You should be ashamed. This is a disgrace. It makes me embarrassed to be a woman.

P.S. He is married so you don't have to slip on your negligee when you go for a conjugal visit.

P.P.S. Thirsty means desperate..... Just in case you're not familiar with ebonics.

I'm off my soap box. Until next time~

Updates: Three Big Things

Hello everyone! I survived Junior Year! Now I'm going into my senior year, and then big girl life starts which is terrifying!!! Also, I have fallen in love with the exclamation point, which I'm sure I used a million times in my old posts. However, the love has grown like an annoying tumor pressing on my excitement gland! That's a thing, right?

Anyway, I am alive and well and I want to get back into the swing of things. Hopefully I can set aside being lazy and actually start updating on Wednesdays again. So before we get into more craziness I have some updates to share with you all.

1. We moved to a nice apartment

The Hatman and I on the stairs of our loft.

I only posted one blog after we moved, and I never actually mentioned moving as far as I know. I love our new place! It's a loft (so chic) and there is a lot more room. My fiancé (I'll get to that in a sec) and I are not clambering over each other to get to places in the house, and the best part is.... NO MORE LEAKY ROOF! Hah! It's the best perk of the whole place! I never feel like my ceiling is going to fall in on me. Honestly, everything about this place is better, except for our weird neighbors. Can't win them all I guess....

2. We got a new dog

She's not quite sure how to dog....

 This is sort of a bitter sweet thing. We rescued a Lab/Golden Retriever mix in February. Her name is Raven and she's just over a year old. This dog is a pain in my rear.... I'm more than willing to bet that she's not all there mentally, because she does just the strangest things and her mannerisms are very particular. She has made a relatively good addition to our little family, and we do love her very much even if she's constantly touching you no matter what you're doing. Always touching you. Always.... I really don't think you understand when I say 'always'.

3. I got engaged

Dis' be my rock.

My boyfriend asked me to marry him when we were on vacation in Austin! It was really sweet and private. He asked me at the Zilker Park Botanical Gardens. It was beautiful, and he was nervous and shaking the whole time. I cried like a baby for about twenty minutes. It was kind of funny, because we couldn't find the gardens at first. It took us an hour before we finally figured out that our GPS is half retarded. Anyway, I was SO HANGRY by the time we got there, and I was in the worst mood. He did a really good job of turning it around. I'm sure slapping a ring on any girl's finger would make them forget all their troubles for a moment or two. Plus, he took to me to swanky restaurant for lunch where they make their own home brew. I am very excited to start a new chapter with him, and be Mrs. Holland!

So anyway, those are the three big things that have happened since I last had the time and the brain power to blog. I am very excited to get into this again! I always miss being creative, or sharing my thoughts. I apologize for the lack of witty metaphors and what not, but I promise I'll bring my 'A' game next time. This was more about catching up with my life....

HAVE A GREAT WEEK!

A Touchy Subject

So I've already given the warning via Bekah the Blogger? about the topic this week, and I know that it might cause some backlash, but this is my blog and my opinion.

Now, with the recent events and the loss of a friend, I just figured I'd share my opinion on Suicide. I WILL NOT be talking about this person. There is no need to dig into those wounds, but this will shed a little more light on my life and the person that I am today.

So this is your last chance to turn back.....

For the few of you who know me outside of work or have grown up with me, more than likely know about my past and know that I am a victim of suicide. Now, obviously, I didn't commit it, but I lost my father as a very young child. I've had to deal with that every day of my life, and so from there I've formed my own opinions about someone taking their own life.

I'm not saying I'm not guilty of those awful thoughts, and for a long time I suffered from depression. The best part of that, is that you can't get any worse emotionally than where you are, so all progress, if any is usually positive, unless you make that fatal choice.

But, I digress....

Suicide, to me, is an extremely selfish act. People do not realize the kind of pain they inflict on those around them when they take their own lives. Often, they think that the world would be better without them, but it's worse. I have to admit, that I'm fairly calloused to the notion, and I have no tolerance for it. It's not even something that I shed tears over anymore, because it just lights a fire inside my heart. And, for those of you suffering, my heart hurts FOR YOU, but only for you, because seeing you all in pain is something that could have been prevented.

I remember being a child and having so many questions. Attending your father's funeral is not something you plan to do until you are much much older. I'm sure you all have questions too, and you feel helpless. I know I did. I didn't understand why he didn't just reach out and ask for help. It's as easy as that for some us. I am so thankful for my mother. She has really been nurturing about it, and did her best to explain these concepts to a child who had life sucker punch them.

I feel like as humans we ask ourselves why we didn't notice there was an issue before, but I can speak from experience, there are rarely signs. We all know that people go through hard times, and we understand that, but at the end of the day the majority of us would never think to go the extreme and just end it all. I think we carry some guilt with us to after these things happen. We always kick ourselves, and ask "Why didn't I answer that phone call? Was I really that busy?" or "Why didn't I check in more often? Why didn't I try harder?" Don't carry that with you. It's not your fault. You did what you could, and you should take solace in that.

I can also say that suicide is premeditated for the most part. People just don't go and off their selves all willy nilly. I know when I was going through my rough period that it was always on my mind. It was always there in the back of my head like a friendly reminder. Granted, now I just look at it as a cop out, at the time it just seemed like a backup plan. I remember I went to school with a girl who always made 'attempts' and I used to loathe her with every fiber of my being, because I'm sure it was just for the mounds of attention she'd get when she got back to school. I think I may of told her once, that if she really wanted to do it, it would be over with. Mind you, this was during my dark days, so seeing her act like a dumb ass didn't sit well with me.

I also think that this isn't something we need to be sharing on social media. I understand that you all are sad, and you are hurting. I know you want to get feelings out, and reach out to one another, but do it in real life. This is the time where we see who loves who. Not only that, but you will be dealing with the nosy fucks who don't care about you're feelings. They're just in it for the juicy gossip, and the drama of the moment. Trust me when I say you don't want to explain the situation to them, and it's none of their fucking business anyway. It is a private business. It is OUR business. Keep it safe.

Now that I've sort of vented, let me end on the small positive note that comes with death. Death brings us together. We may have holes in our hearts, but we fill them with the love and community that sprouts in the ashes that the wildfire of death brings. I love you all very much, and again it bring me to tears to see you all hurting so bad. But, know that I am here for you, just like my mother was there for me.

So keep your head up. The days will get better. They always do. If you are hurting, ask for help. Someone will always be there when you fall.

It's been a while...

Hey folks! Hope you are all doing well. I am, for the most part. Right now I've been at home by myself for about twelve hours so I'm going a little stir crazy, but that's neither here nor there.

I know that on Christmas Eve I posted on my Facebook page about needing your support, and what not, and I still do, but not as much as I thought I did.

On Christmas Eve, someone I know, and don't respect in the least completely ripped off one of my paintings. I was devastated, and I felt alone, because I felt like no one understood how naked I felt. I was so angry at this person for taking something from me that is irreplaceable in my mind. My muse, inspirations, and ideas are what I am as a painter. It's what sets all of us apart in the art world. I love, respect, and envy my best friend and her talents, but I would NEVER completely take something from her and claim it as my own.

My feelings were hurt, and I was extremely disappointed in this person. I welcomed them into my home, and for a time I actually thought we may be friends. I was clearly mistaken. Friends do not do this to each other, granted by the time this happened she was off fucking up her life way more than it already needed. I think I am also disappointed, because as a fellow "Artist" she should have enough respect for me not to do something like this. Whatever. At the end of the day, I'm not a liar and a thief so I can rest easy knowing that I don't feign Christianity and then act like a complete jackass.

I do have to thank those of you who were happy to support me, and do not tolerate this nonsense. I also have to thank my best friend for her guidance, because if it wasn't for her I would have been shamelessly petty and threatened this girl with every fiber of my being. I mean who doesn't like telling someone how much they'd love to light them on fire, and watch their skin melt, like so many candles? Just me? Alight.... Anyway, she was my clarity in my moment of homicidal rampage. Last but certainly not least, I have to thank my wonderful boyfriend. When I got back into town I had him compare the paintings and all he could say is "Wow her's really sucks. You have way more talent than she does." Maybe it was this justification that made me realize that no matter what she does and who she steals from, it will never be good or genuine.

Other than that I had a really great Christmas. It was the first time I was able to travel for the holidays in five years, and the first Christmas I've been able to spend with my family in three years. Totally worth it. I love my family, and I wouldn't trade them for anything!

Have a great week!